walking with sisyphus

to those who have not heard updates on logan's treatment since april, i apologize. when choices came down to being with logan or blogging, family duties or blogging, work or blogging, or having some healthy fun (even sleeping) or blogging, blogging always lost. i hope to follow this update with more recent news soon after...

april, as t.s.eliot wrote, is the cruelest month. surgery, as posted previously, was tougher than we'd expected, and enduring endless days with numerous tubes and catheters draining every cavity of his body was no joy ride for our boy. the surgeon, our heroic surgeon, was pleased with logan's healing, but cautioned us that it could take up to a year to recover fully (that 6 week estimate was just about the initial healing). given the 3 layers of abdominal muscles which were incised with a foot-long slice, that seems entirely plausible.

after persisting with the dignity and patience of sisyphus to keep rolling up the steep slope of recovery, logan gradually regained some strength and his upbeat outlook. he has yet to stand up fully straight, but with time and physical therapy that will come back, too. he began craving spiritus pizza and chocolate shakes, which must have some mystic powers; because of the lapse in regular chemo due to the surgery and recovery, logan had begun to see hair on his head and meat on his bones. yet on the roller coaster of cancer treatment, that only means that once again it is time to knock the cancer, and therefore logan, back down. it is the process we must endure to get to the other side, and we know it. the fifth round of chemo commenced on april 24. at times i envied sisyphus, who at least knew exactly what to expect when he got the boulder back to the zenith of his hill.

april finished out with another trip to children's hospital (seems like it's a rare week we are not in boston these days), this time for an MiBG scan, once more looking for evidence of any active cancer cells. again, logan was injected with the radioactive isotope, which will cling to active cancer cells, thus revealing them in a scan. the night between the injection and the scan, we were treated by friend mark silva to red sox tickets, against toronto, on the third base line. always on the lookout for an 'up' to pair with every 'down', we had fun, bundled in soft blankets against the cool night air and the hard fenway seats. logan even ate a fenway frank, and kept it down, which alone made for an awesome outing.

the next day the MiBG scan was run (which takes all morning). it is not outright painful but quite uncomfortable, logan having to lie still as stone on a rather unforgiving bed which slides through the incredible machine. here, again, we have another 'up' note: there appear to be no active cancer cells, the best news possible.

later we met with the head transplant specialist to learn the intricacies and dangers of the approaching high dose chemo with stem cell rescue (which i have referred to as 'super chemo' but that is not the medically sanctioned term), due to start later in may. this meeting was a bit heart breaking, to get the news that logan's summer was to be nothing but intense treatment with a lot of isolation. he had held out hope to enjoy perhaps a few weeks of real summer in august, with the tantalizing dream of catching a few waves and working his cherished summer job at spiritus pizza. on that day with the transplant specialist, we were soberly adjusting our expectations downward, when the office door flew open and the activities director for the jimmy fund popped her head in the door and asked: 'hey, would you like some front row seats to tonight's red sox game?!' it's amazing how quickly a mood can swing from dismal dread to joyful anticipation; before the day was done, and through a series of crossed signals, somehow we had a total of 6 tickets come our way! it was may 1, cruel april now behind us.

so instead of dwelling on coming cancer battles, we focused on arranging our triumphal return to fenway, complete with friend evan elman and cousin dan kettler. the icing on the cake was sitting with our kind ticket donors, who give generously to the jimmy fund and who are part of the red sox ownership. they were kind and gracious as could be, and invited our 4 guests (who had some fabulous tickets in the emc balcony behind home plate) to join us in 4 other adjoining front row seats. what bliss! all 6 of us were close enough we could have touched each red sox player as they waited to bat; one foul ball bounced our way, and logan got to keep it. friends watching us at home could see us on tv whenever a lefthanded batter was up.

after all that, really the best part for me was talking with logan about our experience on the way home. he talked about how much more fun it was taking friends along; their joyfulness of being included in red sox 'manna from heaven' made logan realize how rewarding it feels to give to others. we hoped the generous owner felt as much happiness as we did, knowing he gave us all such an amazing night out together. logan loved having his cousin there, and our friend from cambridge whose family has shared their home with us often over the past 4 months, and he loved that they could each bring a friend (and therefore feel that joy in sharing), too.

and so i think about eliot's words that april is cruel, and of sisyphus eternally pushing the huge rock up the mountain, only to have it roll down again. at times the cancer treatments seem cruel for a young patient to endure, but unlike the mythic hero, logan will know progress, and healing, and sweet days ahead.