the beginning of the journey, to date

now comes the news for which i feel little prepared. logan has been in the i.c.u. at children's hospital since christmas eve morning, with a cancerous mass growing in his kidney/adrenal/spleen area. there came a week of waiting, while medical teams attempted to bring blood pressure and pain under control to allow comprehensive tests. from the biopsy which was done monday december 31st, they say it is a neuroblastoma, 10 cm across, about the size of a large grapefruit. the mass is rather wrapped around alot of blood vessels so they can't cut it out first thing; it looks like there will be 5 rounds of chemo to shrink it first, then surgery, then 2 more rounds of heavier chemo (with stem cells extracted earlier replenished after the chemo), then radiation. we met with the oncology team on thursday, january 3rd to hear more details, like his possible inclusion in a research study which adds a T cell infusion near the end of treatment. it is a testament to his stamina and strength that he managed as well as he did in december when the symptoms were rapidly developing, keeping up with schoolwork and basketball.

amazingly, one of logan's biggest concerns in all this is not the medical treatment and recovery, but that he wants to keep up with his schoolwork as best he can. i explained that repeating freshman year is an option, and that his transcript for college would explain it was for medical reasons, as his guidance counselor explained to me. however, he wants to graduate with his class. when tutoring is available, when recovery from chemo allows him, he wants to master his material. while my concerns were all about procedures and recovery, his are about schoolwork, and getting active again. he has recovered from severe injury before (remember the cerebral hematoma in 5th grade, and the metal plate in his skull now) and is a strong, otherwise healthy and enthusiastic young man. he seems certain of the healing and is already looking ahead to normal concerns that teenagers have.

i am so grateful he is in the best hands, and that he is a fighter. while the first 12 days were all about managing the high blood pressure and intense pain caused by this mass pressing against his organs, he did refuse morphine so he could watch the patriots win their 16th history-making record setting win, without falling asleep. at one point earlier in the week i was ready to cry after talking to a gaggle of oncologists and surgeons; logan intuitively took my hand and profoundly said 'we just have to trust them, mama.' he also said we just had to trust the patriots when they were down by 12 in the 4th quarter that night. this is why i am strong: because he is, and because i have to be, for him.

friday, january 4, logan had a double line broviac catheter implanted in his chest, which will preclude the need for IV's in his arms. it is semi-permanent, allowing chemo and medications to flow into a major blood vessel, and for blood to be removed from his body. surfing and swimming are not an option with this line, but it does make one heck of a body piercing ornament, as isadora points out. this past weekend he received the first round of chemo.

sunday, after the first overnight infusion, he felt remarkably better, further enhanced by weekend visits from classmates lily, peter and chloe. sister clementine brought a bag of handmade cards from dozens of classmates, and i saw logan laughing for the first time in a long time. the visits, the cards and the love sent logan's way are truly big medicine. that, and the sense that the journey to recovery has now begun, makes the new year suddenly feel full of hope and promise.
~kim